CRACKER IS WACK

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PRODUCT BASEMENT

Apparently our crackers have been doing a shitty job, with their slippery edges and their dip-repelling surfaces. Thanks to the magic of those Keebler little people, our national cracker nightmare is over.

Keebler’s Town House Toppers can “stand up to all your snacking needs…,” according to the box. Yes, we are a bunch of demanding snackers, aren’t we. “Serve spill-free snacks anywhere.” Crackers that defy gravity and can be eaten wherever we choose??!! So what makes these crackers so revolutionary, you ask? Umm, their edges are slightly raised.

But the back of the box would lead you to believe that a team of architectural and engineering geniuses designed these things. There’s everything but blueprints. The box touts the cracker’s “Ergonomic Construction,” its “Ultra-Durable Dip Structure” and its “Modified Grip-tight Texture.” Jesus Christ — it sounds like these things were designed better than New Orleans’ levees.

Moving from the crackers to the cheese: Here’s something, unlike a Topper, that I just can’t get a grip on:

The best of “Charles in Charge”? What, are these the episodes that the laugh track liked most? How can it be that “Chuckles Bites the Dust” isn’t available on DVD but these “classic episodes” are? And would a DVD of the nine worst episodes of “Charles In Charge” be that different an experience?

At the other end of the scale, here’s a product that just isn’t trying very hard to sell itself. It’s called Better Than Bouillon. Really, you’re telling me it’s even better than hot salty water that has a faint meaty aftertaste? Sounds good, but is it ergonomic?

Found a product that leaves you dumbstruck? Let me know at thismighthurtblog@gmail.com

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Dumb da-dumb dumb dumb

There are stupid ideas and then there are stupid ideas. Just how dumb do you have to be to do this shit?:

• Pulling the tomatoes from McDonald’s burgers. Yeah, the tomatoes are the part that’ll kill you.
• Calling your guerrilla group FARC.
• Singing a racist song. While slanting your eyes. And squeezing your breasts. While high on crack. In what looks like a drug den. While being videotaped.
• Trying to impeach President Bush. What for? It’s not like he got a blow job.
• Posting online warnings of your impending killing spree. What a waste of time — no one ever sees them till later.
• Telling Spike Lee to shut his face. Like that’ll do it.
• Buying the new iPhone 3G on release day.
• Letting news crews film you bowling for the first time in decades.
• Going anywhere you might have to fight off a Komodo dragon to survive.