FORK, MOUTH AND DIGESTIVE JUICES NOT INCLUDED

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PRODUCT BASEMENT

Here’s another random selection of those products that make me go ‘huh’. Like this one: How dumb do the people at Sargento think we are?

The cheese company’s new line of Potato Finishers includes this helpful tip right on the front of the package: “JUST ADD Potato.” Umm, don’t you kinda START with the potato? And then add this shit on top? You don’t buy croutons and “just add salad” or syrup and “just add pancakes.”

And could that picture on the packaging be any more disgusting? From the looks of this gloopy mess, I think Sargento should have called this stuff Potato Happy Endings™, if you know what I mean.

Now here’s a product for a more, umm, discriminating clientele: Just Whites. “Contains no flavoring or coloring,” if you get their drift. Apparently, it’s the perfect solution for people who get out of their sheets in the morning and don’t want those brown eggs getting mixed into their breakfast. (Thanks to my friend Christine for tipping me off about this unfortunately named product.)

And finally … Now I know I have a dirty mind and all, but should one company be allowed to sell these two products simultaneously? (I suppose it could be worse — they could make EZ Squeeze Spotted Dick.)

Found a product that leaves you dumbstruck? Let me know at thismighthurtblog@gmail.com

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PARTY ANIMALS

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PRODUCT BASEMENT

I’M sorry, but animals shouldn’t be having more fun than I am.

Do our cats really need to cut loose and party? According to Friskies they do. The cat food company has introduced a line of Party Mix for kitties, with a tired slogan more appropriate for a kegger in the year 2000: “Get The Party Started!” The snacks are “made with so many enticing aromas, delicious flavors, tantalizing textures and colors for your cat to explore, it will be a party every day.” Yeah, our cats should be living more like Lindsay Lohan.

Even better, there are four fun flavors: “Original Crunch,” “Picnic Crunch,” “Beachside Crunch,” and “Mixed Grill Crunch” (I take it they’re crunchy.) Considering all four varieties are being introduced at the same time, what the hell do they mean by “Original Crunch” anyway? Seriously, this stuff looks more like the perfect munchie food for Mittens when she’s high on catnip.

Dogs, don’t feel left out: There’s idiotic stuff for you too. It’s bad enough that a company called Frosty Paws makes ice cream for dogs: “You’ll love them because they’re a convenient and healthy way to share the joy of ice cream with your four-legged friend.” Joy?!! Dogs are pretty satisfied just licking their junk. (And is it gross that my Stop & Shop sells Frosty Paws in the freezers alongside the ice cream for us bipeds?)

OK, whatever, I’ll give you doggy ice cream. But Frosty Paws sells a Paw-rty Kit (get it? Paw-rty!!!) that includes bandannas, balls, hats and invitations. Invitations? How lonely do you have to be to use a doggy ice cream party to get people to come over (and how pathetic do you have to be to go)?

Seriously, you really wanna throw your pets a party? The hell with the snack mix and the ice cream and the party favors. Give ’em what they really want: Just toss your cat a half-dead mouse or let the dog hump your leg a lot longer the next time. But please don’t invite me to attend.

Found a product that leaves you dumbstruck? Let me know at thismighthurtblog@gmail.com

CRACKER IS WACK

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PRODUCT BASEMENT

Apparently our crackers have been doing a shitty job, with their slippery edges and their dip-repelling surfaces. Thanks to the magic of those Keebler little people, our national cracker nightmare is over.

Keebler’s Town House Toppers can “stand up to all your snacking needs…,” according to the box. Yes, we are a bunch of demanding snackers, aren’t we. “Serve spill-free snacks anywhere.” Crackers that defy gravity and can be eaten wherever we choose??!! So what makes these crackers so revolutionary, you ask? Umm, their edges are slightly raised.

But the back of the box would lead you to believe that a team of architectural and engineering geniuses designed these things. There’s everything but blueprints. The box touts the cracker’s “Ergonomic Construction,” its “Ultra-Durable Dip Structure” and its “Modified Grip-tight Texture.” Jesus Christ — it sounds like these things were designed better than New Orleans’ levees.

Moving from the crackers to the cheese: Here’s something, unlike a Topper, that I just can’t get a grip on:

The best of “Charles in Charge”? What, are these the episodes that the laugh track liked most? How can it be that “Chuckles Bites the Dust” isn’t available on DVD but these “classic episodes” are? And would a DVD of the nine worst episodes of “Charles In Charge” be that different an experience?

At the other end of the scale, here’s a product that just isn’t trying very hard to sell itself. It’s called Better Than Bouillon. Really, you’re telling me it’s even better than hot salty water that has a faint meaty aftertaste? Sounds good, but is it ergonomic?

Found a product that leaves you dumbstruck? Let me know at thismighthurtblog@gmail.com

Product Basement

THERE are marketing geniuses out there working hard to get us to buy crap we don’t need, right? Then why does it look like the people behind these products are trying to turn us off?

Take Kellogg’s new Wild Animal Crunch. What better way to start the morning than with a box of what appears to be: A) cereal made from endangered critters, B) slop that’s fed to them, or C) lumpy mounds of their feces. “Share your love for animals at the breakfast table.” Sorry, but who loves animals at the breakfast table? And should I be mixing cow’s milk with panda shit?

Speaking of shit, how would you market a crappy comedy to DVD viewers? Why, you’d treat them as if they were as dumb as the characters in the movie. The tagline for the film “Sharp as Marbles” helps explain the rather subtle title: “Marbles aren’t sharp … And neither are they!” Haaahaaaa! Wooooooo! So I guess they’re a lot like marbles because they aren’t very sharp! Good one!

Know who else isn’t very sharp? The folks behind Pringles Select. Has there ever been a more oxymoronic name for a product? The package promises “a Unique Taste Escape.” Huh? An escape from taste? But it gets worse.

The parmesan garlic version of this crap just might have the worst copy ever written for a product: “Like a Parmesan cheese wheel rolling through a garlic patch.” Mmm, I can already taste the dirt and smell the vomity odor. “Freshly grated Parmesan cheese and faint hints of garlic will have your stomach talking and your mouth watering.” Sounds like the end of many a drunken night in college. “And when you get a taste of this delicious flavor, your inability to speak will say it all.” Chips that render you mute? “The enticing zest will zing your taste buds with the kind of pleasure only a connoisseur can truly appreciate.” Yeah, because connoisseurs love dried potatoes with glyceryl monooleate and onion powder.

I’d go on, but I just ate one and I’m speechless.

Found a product that leaves you dumbstruck? Let me know at thismighthurtblog@gmail.com