CURE FOR THE COMMON CODE

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨

EVERY campaign, we hear the same buzzwords over and over again. And most Americans fall for them all, over and over again.

Barack Obama and John McCain and their respective posses are tossing out these buzzwords as fast as we can gobble them up. “Flip-flopper,” “elitist,” “establishment” — these words trigger gut reactions, but what do they even mean any more? Glad I asked…

Flip-Flopper

At some point in our history, changing your mind became a bad thing, a sign of weakness. But our president hasn’t changed his mind on anything in eight years and where has that gotten us?

I have great respect for someone who can admit he was wrong when presented with new information. If that’s flip-flopping, so be it. It’s the pandering that disgusts me — when a candidate cynically and conveniently changes his stance or “moves to the middle” based on opinion polls and the mood of the voters. And everyone’s doing that in this race.

Elitist

Um, you’re running for president of the United States. Is any job in the free world more elite? Don’t you want the smartest people around you if you get the gig?

Republicans crack me up when they try to paint Obama as an elitist, ’cause it ain’t easy for a black or biracial person to get into the elite in this country — that Obama did seems to indicate he’s got some balls and some smarts and that he won’t be denied. But that just might be the problem — when they call Obama an elitist, it seems to me like they’re really saying “he’s a smart black guy and we need to put him back in his place.”

Small-Town Values

Republican shorthand for “guns are a God-given right, and when an intruder breaks in and tries to rape your daughter, you can send him to Kingdom Come. But if your girl gets pregnant, she’ll have to have the baby.”

I grew up in a small town, and yeah, they’re nice and all, but you don’t see a lot of black people or Jews or foreigners or other such “undesirables,” and the people who live there can be pretty close-minded and sheltered, even if they can see Russia from their porch.

Turns out there are parts of this country where lots of people live. And guess what? They’re not so bad! Yet some Republicans wave the flag and profess their great love of country while spitting out the names of places like Massachusetts, Chicago and San Francisco as if they were Sodom and Gomorrah.

Our country is not simply a small town on a grand scale, and it can’t be governed like one. Anyway, can you really tout small-town values when you have enough houses to actually create your own small town?

Change

That’s about all the money we’ll have left if someone doesn’t fix things fast.

There’s no need to keep bringing “change” up, guys — we get it, things suck now and you’re gonna make everything better. Now if you would just tell us how …

Celebrity

The Republicans have painted Obama as an attention whore, lumping him in with Britney and Paris. Why, because he is hugely popular and draws big crowds and is good-looking and is “celebrated”? Sour grapes, anyone? I’ve seen McCain doing his shtick on “The Daily Show” about a dozen more times than Obama, and it was McCain’s wife’s $313,000 outfit that Vanity Vair dissected after the conventions. Sorry, but running for president puts you in the spotlight — to lash out if your opponent upstages you is childish.

Career Politician

Can we all just let this one go? By the time they get around to running for president, they’ve pretty much made a career out of politics. Would you rather we had a dentist in the White House, or an actor? Uh, never mind.

Advertisement

Who wears the pantsuit around here?

(Blogger’s note: It’s time for a woman’s viewpoint around here. My sister offers her take on Barack Obama, who’s more than a woman to her.)

By Joan Beal

Dear Hillary Clinton supporters of the feminine persuasion. I know, I know, we’re all supposed to be pissed off. Rightly so. Our gal has lost.

Once again, a lesser qualified man has blazed past us, from outta nowhere, to get the promotion, grab the brass ring, and take away our spotlight. Quite honestly, though, I think women have actually won a huge victory in the Democratic primaries. If you look beyond the external (those pesky sex organs) I think you’ll agree: Barrack Obama is more like a woman than Hillary.

• Obama says he wants to talk to Iran, to work things out … “C’mon Mr. Ahmadinejad, sir. You don’t really want to make weapons grade uranium, now do you?”
  Hillary thinks talk is for pussies. She wants to “obliterate Iran.”
• Obama met his wife Michelle as his boss and mentor while working as a summer associate at the Sidley Austin law firm. Michelle wasn’t impressed with young Barry. He had to work hard to get her to notice him.
  Hillary Rodham walked up to a young and flustered (horny) Bill Clinton in the college library and introduced herself, saying, “If you’re going to keep looking at me, and I’m going to keep looking back, we might as well be introduced — I’m Hillary Rodham.” Yowza!
• Obama looks terrific in a swimsuit, has a gorgeous smile, and can’t bowl (tee hee, another gutter ball!) to save his life. Hillary, well, um … she looks good in a pantsuit and can down a shot of whiskey with the good ol’ boys!
• Obama said no to war in Iraq. Hillary gave W the go-ahead.
• Obama talks about “we”….how we can do it, we are the change we’ve been waiting for. Always inclusive, not wanting to make anyone feel left out. Just like your third-grade teacher, Mrs. Evans. Hillary talked about herself. A lot. How experienced she was, how ready on day one she would be, how we could all go to hillaryclinton.com and learn more about her! Just like the guy at the cocktail party trying to get in your panties.
• Obama‘s greatest influences were his mother and grandmother, who raised him and taught him to share, be kind, use his words, and care for the less fortunate. Hillary‘s greatest influence was her father, Hugh Rodham. When Hillary brought home A’s on her report card, her Dad chided her that “it must be an awfully easy school.” Hillary has reminisced, “It was just like “Father Knows Best”!

So, dear female voters, rest assured, our gentler sex is well represented.
A vote for Obama is a vote for GRRRL Power! (What did you think that fist tap with Michelle meant?)

Joan Beal is a singer, wife and mother in the Los Angeles area. But she hasn’t gone all L.A.

Holy shit

I don’t care that Barack Obama had a fiery pastor who, if you go by the sound bites, hates Mom and apple pie and thinks the government gave everyone the mumps. What pisses me off is that I even know Obama had a pastor.

Like Obama, John McCain has had to distance himself from a pesky preacher, John Hagee of Texas, and he says he’s never even been to Hagee’s church — he just “won” his endorsement.

I know it’s hard to tell politicians apart, but can’t the media find anything more substantive than this? In a country where we at least pretend to separate church and state, we sure are obsessed with the candidates’ religious backgrounds. That’s because the candidates’ faith and the religious company they keep are a quick way for us to judge them. There’s no need to get to know the candidates’ goals for the country when there’s an easier way to whittle down your list: His pastor’s a kook! He thinks the Rapture’s coming! Hillary’s part-Jewish! Dismissed!

The Rev. Jeremiah Wright could go on a multi-state killing spree and it wouldn’t change my opinion of Obama. Why should the behavior of someone’s pastor reflect poorly on him? I mean, my church had two priests with a thing for little boys (guess what thing) and another who told us — during Christmas Mass, no less — that AIDS was God’s punishment for being gay. So, does that mean I can’t run for office?

But this is what religion does — it divides us, makes us afraid of one another, and blinds us to what’s really at stake in this election. And that’s a thousand times scarier that anything Wright or Hagee has to say.