Archive for marketing

CRACKER IS WACK

Posted in The Popular with tags , , , , on July 14, 2008 by Adam Sapiro

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PRODUCT BASEMENT

Apparently our crackers have been doing a shitty job, with their slippery edges and their dip-repelling surfaces. Thanks to the magic of those Keebler little people, our national cracker nightmare is over.

Keebler’s Town House Toppers can “stand up to all your snacking needs…,” according to the box. Yes, we are a bunch of demanding snackers, aren’t we. “Serve spill-free snacks anywhere.” Crackers that defy gravity and can be eaten wherever we choose??!! So what makes these crackers so revolutionary, you ask? Umm, their edges are slightly raised.

But the back of the box would lead you to believe that a team of architectural and engineering geniuses designed these things. There’s everything but blueprints. The box touts the cracker’s “Ergonomic Construction,” its “Ultra-Durable Dip Structure” and its “Modified Grip-tight Texture.” Jesus Christ — it sounds like these things were designed better than New Orleans’ levees.

Moving from the crackers to the cheese: Here’s something, unlike a Topper, that I just can’t get a grip on:

The best of “Charles in Charge”? What, are these the episodes that the laugh track liked most? How can it be that “Chuckles Bites the Dust” isn’t available on DVD but these “classic episodes” are? And would a DVD of the nine worst episodes of “Charles In Charge” be that different an experience?

At the other end of the scale, here’s a product that just isn’t trying very hard to sell itself. It’s called Better Than Bouillon. Really, you’re telling me it’s even better than hot salty water that has a faint meaty aftertaste? Sounds good, but is it ergonomic?

Found a product that leaves you dumbstruck? Let me know at thismighthurtblog@gmail.com

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Product Basement

Posted in The Popular with tags , , on June 23, 2008 by Adam Sapiro

THERE are marketing geniuses out there working hard to get us to buy crap we don’t need, right? Then why does it look like the people behind these products are trying to turn us off?

Take Kellogg’s new Wild Animal Crunch. What better way to start the morning than with a box of what appears to be: A) cereal made from endangered critters, B) slop that’s fed to them, or C) lumpy mounds of their feces. “Share your love for animals at the breakfast table.” Sorry, but who loves animals at the breakfast table? And should I be mixing cow’s milk with panda shit?

Speaking of shit, how would you market a crappy comedy to DVD viewers? Why, you’d treat them as if they were as dumb as the characters in the movie. The tagline for the film “Sharp as Marbles” helps explain the rather subtle title: “Marbles aren’t sharp … And neither are they!” Haaahaaaa! Wooooooo! So I guess they’re a lot like marbles because they aren’t very sharp! Good one!

Know who else isn’t very sharp? The folks behind Pringles Select. Has there ever been a more oxymoronic name for a product? The package promises “a Unique Taste Escape.” Huh? An escape from taste? But it gets worse.

The parmesan garlic version of this crap just might have the worst copy ever written for a product: “Like a Parmesan cheese wheel rolling through a garlic patch.” Mmm, I can already taste the dirt and smell the vomity odor. “Freshly grated Parmesan cheese and faint hints of garlic will have your stomach talking and your mouth watering.” Sounds like the end of many a drunken night in college. “And when you get a taste of this delicious flavor, your inability to speak will say it all.” Chips that render you mute? “The enticing zest will zing your taste buds with the kind of pleasure only a connoisseur can truly appreciate.” Yeah, because connoisseurs love dried potatoes with glyceryl monooleate and onion powder.

I’d go on, but I just ate one and I’m speechless.

Found a product that leaves you dumbstruck? Let me know at thismighthurtblog@gmail.com