Archive for friends

COUNTING CRONIES

Posted in The Web with tags , on July 10, 2008 by Adam Sapiro

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I NEVER thought of quantifying my friends before, but now that I’m on Facebook, it’s unavoidable. It’s there in black and white every time on log on. I have 32.

It seems like a nice, healthy number of friends until you find out that some people on Facebook have 300, 400, 500! Well, them I don’t need. Who wants to share a friend with 500 other people? ‘Take a number, I’ll be right there to ask how you’re doing.’ Screw that. I want friends I can count on, not just count.

Maybe these Facebook friend hogs never outgrew their Pokemon cards and they still “gotta catch ’em all.” They link up with everyone they’ve ever been in the same room with. Wait until these kids get into their 40s like me — they’ll have whittled down their friends to the essentials too.

Of course, I’ve tried to talk more of my “real-world” friends into joining Facebook, but it’s not easy getting people in their late 30s and 40s to sign up. These are people still wondering what “this Netflix thing” is all about. But hey, I still have more friends than Jennifer Aniston — I mean, she only has five.

Besides showing me that I have about the same number of friends as teeth, Facebook has taught me that there are a lot more words with the letter Q in them than I knew. Yeah, I’d never really played Scrabble before, so I’m not too great at the Facebook version, Scrabulous (go ahead and challenge me if you’re looking to boost your win-loss record). I also don’t know too much about Scrabble etiquette — I kinda felt bad about spelling JISM in my very first game (but I did apologize to my female challenger in the message field.) Hey, I won that one.

Speaking of jism, you could look for more than friendship on Facebook, but it seems like a weird place to meet a mate. “Wow, you love Arcade Fire and ‘The Green Mile’ and you’re agnostic too. We should totally hook up!”

Whatever. I don’t need Facebook to find romance anyway, because I have JLove. More on that tomorrow. (Cool — my first “to be continued” ending… )

Enough with the babies already

Posted in Life with tags , , , on May 26, 2008 by Adam Sapiro

I can’t believe I miss the weddings.

It was the ’90s, I was in my late 20s, and everyone I knew decided to pair up and make it official. Only a few of the 5,373 weddings stand out in my memory. There was the one along the beach (beautiful) with the bagpipes (not so much). There was the time I headed to Boston with 11 bucks in my pocket and heard the two words even more horrifying than “I do” — cash bar. And I’ll never forget the wedding in Florida when a buddy’s tipsy mother got a little too friendly with me on the dance floor.

The whole decade was one big swirl of Chicken Dances and chicken breasts. And there I was, the chicken who wanted no part of marriage.

Now I rarely see any of my married friends without a kid in tow. Last week, I was eating lunch at the DQ with a friend and his chicken-nugget-chompin’ 5-year-old girl when I got a call from another friend. He had big news. “Big news” hasn’t meant anything else for years. Yep, he and his girlfriend are expecting their first child. And just days earlier, another friend had big news: their second child is in the pipeline.

The kids have been comin’ fast and furious over the past few years, to the point where even some of the parents see a problem. I mean, should I know so many guys who have had vasectomies?

Now, I love my friends’ kids, and even try to learn most of their names. But the germy bastards have taken over everything. I’ve dropped some friends who procreated simply because they stopped being fun the minute the water broke. To other friends’ kids, I’m “Uncle” Adam, a title bestowed by parents with good intentions that somehow makes an unrelated single guy feel pathetic, if not deviant.

My friends want to share this life-changing event with me. I get it. But haven’t they figured out that if I wanted to spend hours and hours with kids, I would have had one by now?

OK, so maybe I’m bothered by all this because I’m a little jealous, because I may never know what it’s like to be a parent, because my friends have grown up right past me, because their kids come first now. So maybe I’m the baby.

But who would have thought I’d look back longingly at the Decade of the Weddings. Those days of Macarenas and bachelor parties and tables full of friends sure were a lot more fun. Back before the baby-sitters and the diapers and the kiddie birthday parties. Back when the only thing that came between my buddies and me was a bridesmaid in the conga line. Back when life-changing events didn’t change life so much.