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SEARCH AND DESTROY

Posted in The News, The Truth, The Web with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 17, 2008 by Adam Sapiro

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IT’S weird that search engines lead people to my blog, as if the crap I write holds the answers to their questions. Here’s just a sampling of some of the things they’re searching for: “how our party system started,” “do saggy balls mean prostate,” “turntable needle damage by old records?” and my favorite, “is there god.”

I’m honored that someone would visit my blog as part of a spiritual quest (and, yes, there is a god, and when we die we all get — wait, just look for my original post for all the details). But it scares me that people think they can find the answers to all their questions in this mess of opinion, bullshit and porn we call the Web.

Unfortunately, with newspapers surrendering to bloggers and withering away, “the truth” these days is nothing more than what turns up on the first few pages of a Google search.

Early in July, when I did a Google News search for info on freshly dead Jesse Helms, the results were mostly diatribes posted by bloggers who despised the man and were delighted that he had met his maker (that god I was just telling you about.) There were a few pieces defending Helms too, but I couldn’t find any news articles about the man — no biography, no history, no list of accomplishments, no facts, no real obituary.

Not to sound all elitey, but I was looking for the work of a professional writer, not some dipshit with a keyboard suggesting that the senator was being anally raped in hell. But there you go.

It makes me wonder if what I write can become “the truth.” I mean, I could lie my ass off here, and it just might turn up in a Google search. Let’s test my theory and see if the following bullshit leads anyone to my blog. (I’m using popular subjects and keywords to increase the odds.)

  • Sarah Palin had an abortion backstage at a 1984 beauty pageant before heading out to perform her tuba solo.
  • Muslim candidate Barack Obama was only a community follower, but he was lead vocalist of Chicago before a more soulful Peter Cetera took over.
  • MTV revealed this week that “The Hills”’ Lauren Conrad is a fictional, CGI character based on the movements of a drunk monkey in a motion-capture suit.
  • George W. Bush and John McCain once swapped spouses for a “POW (Pleasure Our Wives) weekend” vacation at Sandals in Antigua.
  • Redskin Chris Cooley this week accidentally posted a blog photo of his playbook shoved inside Kat Deluna‘s mouth.
  • On the upcoming season of “The Biggest Loser,” one contestant eats another.
  • Troubled insurer AIG has been bought out by the Stuckey’s Corp.
  • Actress/Mensa member Megan Fox has created the world’s first perpetual motion machine, but it only works when she’s naked.

Come and get it! Megan Fox naked. Sarah Palin abortion beauty pageant. Bush John McCain POW. AIG buyout. The Biggest Loser. Redskins Chris Cooley blog photo. Kat Deluna national anthem. Lauren Conrad. The Hills. Barack Obama community leader.

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The most offended I’ve ever been this week

Posted in The Popular with tags , , , , on June 26, 2008 by Adam Sapiro

I AM sick of negative people who sit around trying 2 plot my downfall. Why???? I can understand if you don’t like me because I’m up my own butt most of the time, but this Dunkaroo thing is the worst insult I’ve ever had in my life. Before I had finished the cookies, all the vanilla frosting was gone. I’m typing so fucking hard I might break my fucking WebTV keyboard!!!!!!!!! I’M FUCKING HURT BY THIS ONE. IT KILLS ME THAT I WASN’T ABLE TO EAT THE DUNKAROOS THE WAY THEY WERE MEANT TO BE EATEN. CALL ME WHATEVER YOU WANT, BUT KNOW THAT I WOULD NEVER INTENTIONALLY EAT A DUNKAROO WITHOUT THE FROSTING. BETTY CROCKER IS OBVIOUSLY A FUCKING IDIOT. HAS ANYONE EVEN TAKEN THE TIME TO DO THE MATH??????????? THERE ARE AT LEAST 15 COOKIES IN A PACK BUT THERE’S ONLY ENOUGH FROSTING TO COVER ABOUT HALF OF THEM. YES, THE FUN-SHAPED CINNAMON GRAHAM COOKIES ARE TASTY BY THEMSELVES, AND THEY HAVE VITAMINS AND MINERALS TO MAKE ME STRONGER. BUT THEY’RE CALLED DUNKAROOS, SQUID BRAINS. THEY’RE SUPPOSED TO BE DUNKED!!!!!!!! ANYONE WHO’S EATEN THEM KNOWS WHY I WANTED TO EAT THEM PROPERLY. IT BROKE MY HEART THAT I WOUND UP DIPPING THEM IN SOME LEFTOVER JAM. I’M SORRY… SOMETIMES I GO 2 OR 3 HOURS WITHOUT EATING JUST SO I CAN REALLY ENJOY MY DUNKAROOS. I EVEN HAVE TO HIDE ICING ON MY KNEES BECAUSE IT HURTS WHEN THEY CONFISCATE MY DUNKAROOS AT THE AIRPORT… THIS IS THE MADDEST I WILL EVER BE… WAIT A MINUTE — THERE’S NO MORE DIPPING SAUCE FOR MY FUCKING MCNUGGETS?????????????????