HERE are some up-to-the-minute bits of truth:

Even if the presidential debate is held tonight, most Americans won’t watch because they too have more pressing matters to attend to, like seeing “Eagle Eye,” going bowling or getting shitfaced.

The shocking part isn’t that yet another evangelist, Tony Alamo, is facing charges of sexual misconduct. It’s that the guy’s real name is Bernie Lazar Hoffman. Jesus Christ!

Nicole Kidman credited her unexpected “miracle pregnancy” to a dip in the Kununurra waters in Australia’s Outback. Not being married to Tom Cruise anymore probably helped increase her odds a bit too.

A new Pew study of U.S. workers found that half of the respondents check their work e-mail on weekends. Which is ironic, because they spend half their time at work watching pandas sneeze on YouTube.

David Blaine‘s “Dive of Death” was a ratings bomb. Of course it was — who the hell wants to watch him survive?

The economic collapse of our country doesn’t sound so bad when you use cutesy words like WaMu, Fannie and Freddie. I can’t wait for next week’s takeovers of Fergie and the Great Gazoo.


One Response to “REALLY, NOW”

  1. Again with the pandas, Adam. . .I want to know what you have against them, and I want to know right now.
    Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna go get shiftaced while bowling and then catch the late show of “Eagle Eye” at the local theater.

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