SEARCH AND DESTROY

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IT’S weird that search engines lead people to my blog, as if the crap I write holds the answers to their questions. Here’s just a sampling of some of the things they’re searching for: “how our party system started,” “do saggy balls mean prostate,” “turntable needle damage by old records?” and my favorite, “is there god.”

I’m honored that someone would visit my blog as part of a spiritual quest (and, yes, there is a god, and when we die we all get — wait, just look for my original post for all the details). But it scares me that people think they can find the answers to all their questions in this mess of opinion, bullshit and porn we call the Web.

Unfortunately, with newspapers surrendering to bloggers and withering away, “the truth” these days is nothing more than what turns up on the first few pages of a Google search.

Early in July, when I did a Google News search for info on freshly dead Jesse Helms, the results were mostly diatribes posted by bloggers who despised the man and were delighted that he had met his maker (that god I was just telling you about.) There were a few pieces defending Helms too, but I couldn’t find any news articles about the man — no biography, no history, no list of accomplishments, no facts, no real obituary.

Not to sound all elitey, but I was looking for the work of a professional writer, not some dipshit with a keyboard suggesting that the senator was being anally raped in hell. But there you go.

It makes me wonder if what I write can become “the truth.” I mean, I could lie my ass off here, and it just might turn up in a Google search. Let’s test my theory and see if the following bullshit leads anyone to my blog. (I’m using popular subjects and keywords to increase the odds.)

  • Sarah Palin had an abortion backstage at a 1984 beauty pageant before heading out to perform her tuba solo.
  • Muslim candidate Barack Obama was only a community follower, but he was lead vocalist of Chicago before a more soulful Peter Cetera took over.
  • MTV revealed this week that “The Hills”’ Lauren Conrad is a fictional, CGI character based on the movements of a drunk monkey in a motion-capture suit.
  • George W. Bush and John McCain once swapped spouses for a “POW (Pleasure Our Wives) weekend” vacation at Sandals in Antigua.
  • Redskin Chris Cooley this week accidentally posted a blog photo of his playbook shoved inside Kat Deluna‘s mouth.
  • On the upcoming season of “The Biggest Loser,” one contestant eats another.
  • Troubled insurer AIG has been bought out by the Stuckey’s Corp.
  • Actress/Mensa member Megan Fox has created the world’s first perpetual motion machine, but it only works when she’s naked.

Come and get it! Megan Fox naked. Sarah Palin abortion beauty pageant. Bush John McCain POW. AIG buyout. The Biggest Loser. Redskins Chris Cooley blog photo. Kat Deluna national anthem. Lauren Conrad. The Hills. Barack Obama community leader.

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8 Responses to “SEARCH AND DESTROY”

  1. If you type “George Bush, John McCain, Sandals in Antigua” on a Google search, a link to your blog entry is #2 on the page. Never underestimate the power of a free press. Good work.

  2. Fred Googles Says:

    I Googled “bullshit and Obama” and got 2,800,000 hits, but I’m unsure any of yours were tagged. Sorry.

  3. Fred Googles Says:

    There’s a missing “if” above. Stupid blog thing won’t let me edit comments. Maybe Barry (SING, DAMMITT!!!!) can change that, too.

  4. “sarah palin” + tuba + abortion sends me to your site, Adam. Although google suggested that perhaps I meant “tubal abortion” Hmmmmm. And BTW, you are an elitist, by nature of your above average spelling abilities, east/west coast connections, and “truthiness.”

  5. I typed in “saggy balls”, but your site did not some up.

  6. 45vinyljunkie Says:

    I typed in “unemployed slacker” on Google, and your website was the first one to come up.

  7. So… what are you saying? That NONE of those things is true? But they’re so believable, even if not entirely verifiable. The story *I* heard was that Sarah Palin and Hillary Clinton swapped husbands at a Stuckey’s and then all four of them went to a tuba recital by Peter Cetera. Naked.

  8. Fred Googles Says:

    Aw come on, Alice. Even in the fantastical fantasy world of Webanus, no blogger could get away with suggesting anyone would accept a swap deal with the Clintons. Those two horrible fucks are stuck with each other. … *I* heard Clinton said this ****BON MOT****: “I’ve tried trading Hillary, but all I could get was a share of Journal Register stock and a squeeze of Madeline Albright’s titties.”

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