Archive for September, 2008

ALL THE NEW THAT FITS

Posted in The News with tags , , , , on September 29, 2008 by Adam Sapiro

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨

THE “sleeker, smarter” Hartford Courant hit the stands yesterday (and probably stayed there all day). Having worked at the fatter, dumber Courant for 10 years, I suppose I should have checked it out, but even morbid curiosity couldn’t get me to do so.

Luckily, courant.com has a link right at the top of the front page so I could Learn More About The New Hartford Courant. Click and you’re treated to a three-minute promotional piece aired by sister channel Fox 61 (which, like the Courant, is owned by the Tribune Co.) about “The NEW Hartford Courant.” And wouldn’t you know it — they’re really excited about it!

Turns out the NEW Courant is “edgy”! (Too bad “edgy” hasn’t been edgy for about 10 years). I learned that the NEW Courant uses a new font that “really bolds up the design”! Well said!

The NEW Courant is “stacked with fresh new features.” And it will be “easier to read”! The paper’s storied history of “insightful writing and in-depth coverage” will continue! Well, I’m sold!

And so are the Fox 61 anchorbots, who seem particularly excited about the groundbreaking vertical “letterhead.” Best of all, the anchor dude tells us, the weekday papers will have “less pages so the readers can get their news quickly!” Yeah, all those pages of news were really standing in the way of my getting the news.

If you don’t feel like watching the Fox 61 video, you can simply read the accompanying error-filled transcription, which looks more like a copy editing test (if newspapers were still hiring copy editors.)

OK, OK, maybe I’ll check out the new Courant one of these days. I’ll just have to bold myself up first.

REALLY, NOW

Posted in The News, The Popular, The Truth on September 26, 2008 by Adam Sapiro

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨

HERE are some up-to-the-minute bits of truth:

Even if the presidential debate is held tonight, most Americans won’t watch because they too have more pressing matters to attend to, like seeing “Eagle Eye,” going bowling or getting shitfaced.

The shocking part isn’t that yet another evangelist, Tony Alamo, is facing charges of sexual misconduct. It’s that the guy’s real name is Bernie Lazar Hoffman. Jesus Christ!

Nicole Kidman credited her unexpected “miracle pregnancy” to a dip in the Kununurra waters in Australia’s Outback. Not being married to Tom Cruise anymore probably helped increase her odds a bit too.

A new Pew study of U.S. workers found that half of the respondents check their work e-mail on weekends. Which is ironic, because they spend half their time at work watching pandas sneeze on YouTube.

David Blaine‘s “Dive of Death” was a ratings bomb. Of course it was — who the hell wants to watch him survive?

The economic collapse of our country doesn’t sound so bad when you use cutesy words like WaMu, Fannie and Freddie. I can’t wait for next week’s takeovers of Fergie and the Great Gazoo.

CURE FOR THE COMMON CODE

Posted in The News with tags , , , , on September 24, 2008 by Adam Sapiro

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨

EVERY campaign, we hear the same buzzwords over and over again. And most Americans fall for them all, over and over again.

Barack Obama and John McCain and their respective posses are tossing out these buzzwords as fast as we can gobble them up. “Flip-flopper,” “elitist,” “establishment” — these words trigger gut reactions, but what do they even mean any more? Glad I asked…

Flip-Flopper

At some point in our history, changing your mind became a bad thing, a sign of weakness. But our president hasn’t changed his mind on anything in eight years and where has that gotten us?

I have great respect for someone who can admit he was wrong when presented with new information. If that’s flip-flopping, so be it. It’s the pandering that disgusts me — when a candidate cynically and conveniently changes his stance or “moves to the middle” based on opinion polls and the mood of the voters. And everyone’s doing that in this race.

Elitist

Um, you’re running for president of the United States. Is any job in the free world more elite? Don’t you want the smartest people around you if you get the gig?

Republicans crack me up when they try to paint Obama as an elitist, ’cause it ain’t easy for a black or biracial person to get into the elite in this country — that Obama did seems to indicate he’s got some balls and some smarts and that he won’t be denied. But that just might be the problem — when they call Obama an elitist, it seems to me like they’re really saying “he’s a smart black guy and we need to put him back in his place.”

Small-Town Values

Republican shorthand for “guns are a God-given right, and when an intruder breaks in and tries to rape your daughter, you can send him to Kingdom Come. But if your girl gets pregnant, she’ll have to have the baby.”

I grew up in a small town, and yeah, they’re nice and all, but you don’t see a lot of black people or Jews or foreigners or other such “undesirables,” and the people who live there can be pretty close-minded and sheltered, even if they can see Russia from their porch.

Turns out there are parts of this country where lots of people live. And guess what? They’re not so bad! Yet some Republicans wave the flag and profess their great love of country while spitting out the names of places like Massachusetts, Chicago and San Francisco as if they were Sodom and Gomorrah.

Our country is not simply a small town on a grand scale, and it can’t be governed like one. Anyway, can you really tout small-town values when you have enough houses to actually create your own small town?

Change

That’s about all the money we’ll have left if someone doesn’t fix things fast.

There’s no need to keep bringing “change” up, guys — we get it, things suck now and you’re gonna make everything better. Now if you would just tell us how

Celebrity

The Republicans have painted Obama as an attention whore, lumping him in with Britney and Paris. Why, because he is hugely popular and draws big crowds and is good-looking and is “celebrated”? Sour grapes, anyone? I’ve seen McCain doing his shtick on “The Daily Show” about a dozen more times than Obama, and it was McCain’s wife’s $313,000 outfit that Vanity Vair dissected after the conventions. Sorry, but running for president puts you in the spotlight — to lash out if your opponent upstages you is childish.

Career Politician

Can we all just let this one go? By the time they get around to running for president, they’ve pretty much made a career out of politics. Would you rather we had a dentist in the White House, or an actor? Uh, never mind.

ENGINE TROUBLE

Posted in The News, The Popular, The Web on September 22, 2008 by Adam Sapiro

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨

Update

THE search engines took the bait last week and sent some people my way (see my previous post for details.) Searches for information about “mccain link to aig buyout” and “barack vs mccain on buyouts” led some unsuspecting people to my heaping pile of bullshit. Sorry about that.

Alarmingly, a lot of people who got to my blog apparently wanted to see Redskin foreskin, and were searching for things such as “chris cooley unedited nude pic.” Sorry to come up short here, folks.

In the meantime, there were more of those odd searches that make me laugh: “self pleasuring, how to,” “pleasuring animals,” “do eyes lie” and “i got bit in my front lawn it hurt?” I wonder if he got bit while pleasuring an animal…

SEARCH AND DESTROY

Posted in The News, The Truth, The Web with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 17, 2008 by Adam Sapiro

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨

IT’S weird that search engines lead people to my blog, as if the crap I write holds the answers to their questions. Here’s just a sampling of some of the things they’re searching for: “how our party system started,” “do saggy balls mean prostate,” “turntable needle damage by old records?” and my favorite, “is there god.”

I’m honored that someone would visit my blog as part of a spiritual quest (and, yes, there is a god, and when we die we all get — wait, just look for my original post for all the details). But it scares me that people think they can find the answers to all their questions in this mess of opinion, bullshit and porn we call the Web.

Unfortunately, with newspapers surrendering to bloggers and withering away, “the truth” these days is nothing more than what turns up on the first few pages of a Google search.

Early in July, when I did a Google News search for info on freshly dead Jesse Helms, the results were mostly diatribes posted by bloggers who despised the man and were delighted that he had met his maker (that god I was just telling you about.) There were a few pieces defending Helms too, but I couldn’t find any news articles about the man — no biography, no history, no list of accomplishments, no facts, no real obituary.

Not to sound all elitey, but I was looking for the work of a professional writer, not some dipshit with a keyboard suggesting that the senator was being anally raped in hell. But there you go.

It makes me wonder if what I write can become “the truth.” I mean, I could lie my ass off here, and it just might turn up in a Google search. Let’s test my theory and see if the following bullshit leads anyone to my blog. (I’m using popular subjects and keywords to increase the odds.)

  • Sarah Palin had an abortion backstage at a 1984 beauty pageant before heading out to perform her tuba solo.
  • Muslim candidate Barack Obama was only a community follower, but he was lead vocalist of Chicago before a more soulful Peter Cetera took over.
  • MTV revealed this week that “The Hills”’ Lauren Conrad is a fictional, CGI character based on the movements of a drunk monkey in a motion-capture suit.
  • George W. Bush and John McCain once swapped spouses for a “POW (Pleasure Our Wives) weekend” vacation at Sandals in Antigua.
  • Redskin Chris Cooley this week accidentally posted a blog photo of his playbook shoved inside Kat Deluna‘s mouth.
  • On the upcoming season of “The Biggest Loser,” one contestant eats another.
  • Troubled insurer AIG has been bought out by the Stuckey’s Corp.
  • Actress/Mensa member Megan Fox has created the world’s first perpetual motion machine, but it only works when she’s naked.

Come and get it! Megan Fox naked. Sarah Palin abortion beauty pageant. Bush John McCain POW. AIG buyout. The Biggest Loser. Redskins Chris Cooley blog photo. Kat Deluna national anthem. Lauren Conrad. The Hills. Barack Obama community leader.

SORE SUBJECTS

Posted in The News, The Popular with tags , , , , on September 15, 2008 by Adam Sapiro

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨

Infinite Jester

WE lost an amazing writer over the weekend. No, I never read “Infinite Jest” either, but I loved David Foster Wallace‘s nonfiction (check out “A Supposedly Fun Thing I’ll Never Do Again” and “Consider the Lobster,” two great compendiums of essays and magazine articles.)

Wallace was a genius, a prick and a prankster all in one. Sometimes it seemed like he wrote stuff just to piss off the reader, or at least the magazine editor who hired him, and his endless tangles of footnotes — as amusing as they were — could test anyone’s patience. But there was never a dull moment in his essays, even when he was writing about life’s dull moments. All you have to do is read his hilarious and kinda sad piece about the Caribbean cruise he took — the “supposedly fun thing” — and you can tell that he didn’t really fit into this world he wrote about. It’s just too bad that writing about his alienation apparently wasn’t answer enough for him.

Eye Carumba

When ABC’s Charlie Gibson asked Sarah Palin in last week’s interview if she could look Americans in the eye and tell them that she has the experience to be vice president and perhaps president, she actually says “I do” with her eyes closed! (Later, ironically, she says we “must not blink” when dealing with terrorists.) And is it just me or does Gibson seem completely exasperated midway through the interview?

Dickiest Quote Of The Week

Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff, trying to convince Texans that Hurricane Ike was no joke, offered this bon mot when asked to address “hurricane fatigue,” the media-coined term used to describe the weariness of those who have had to pack up their lives and loved ones and evacuate their homes over and over again these past few years:

“Well, unless you’re fatigued with living, I suggest that you ought to take very seriously a storm of this size and scale.”

I think I’ve got asshole fatigue.

–30–

Posted in Life, The News with tags , on September 12, 2008 by Adam Sapiro

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨

Update

IT looks like I’m gonna have to turn elsewhere for unedited reader-submitted “news” stories, day-old national wire articles, inaccurate weather forecasts and big photos of kids taking advantage of the unseasonably warm weather.

Yep, my Hartford Courant has finally stopped coming. Now I just hope the bills stop coming, too.