HE SHOOTS UP, HE SCORES

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“YOU should write a book.” I’ve been getting that advice a lot since I quit my newspaper job three months ago.

Of course I’d love to write a book. The reason I got into newspapers was because I wanted to write — even if it meant writing about zoning variances and sewage systems. Hell, I majored in writing at college (albeit for radio, television and film — what the hell was I thinking?)

I’m not interested in doing fiction, although I guess I could write about boy wizards or vampires in love or boy-loving vampire wizards if I were paid enough. But the book would suck massively. I’d really like to write about life. It just shouldn’t be my life.

Why? Well, I never had an affair with my mother. I was never molested as a child (and I was an altar boy and a Webelo scout, for chrissakes). The only thing I’ve ever been addicted to is Wheat Thins. I never did time in jail or rehab. I never had a life-threatening disease or worked as a stripper. I never found out my real father is black, or a killer, or actually my mom. If I have to write what I know, it’s gonna be a pretty boring book.

And that pisses me off. The more screwed up your life is, the better your chances of getting a book deal these days. I’ve been reading a lot of good reviews for “The Night of the Gun,” a new memoir in which David Carr, a New York Times columnist, interviews others to “investigate” and report on his cocaine addiction and his run-ins with the law in the ’80s. What the fuck? First, how does a guy doing crack into his 30s, a guy who can’t even remember whether or not he threatened a friend with a gun, a guy who was high the day his twin daughters were born, a guy who admits he was “a fat thug who beat up women and sold bad coke and terrorized children” — how does this guy wind up with a column at the Times? Damn, I’ve gotta update my resume.

OK, so maybe Carr is a good writer, a guy who made some mistakes in life and cleaned up his act. But should the rewards be this great? Should he be able to make a career out of this? What message does his success send to the hundreds of thousands of struggling writers who can’t get anyone in the business to look at their work? If I had known that being a crack fiend could have opened more doors for me than a college degree, my 20s would have been a lot crazier. My advice to young aspiring writers? Start going on meth benders now and thank me later. (Really, you know it’s not the time to tell your kids to “just say no” when the summer’s biggest box office star is Robert Downey Jr.)

So I’m gonna go shoot up right now, maybe rob a store and threaten a cop. And in 10 or 15 years, you might be reading my bestselling memoir. Or at least a book about junkie vampire wizards in rehab.

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3 Responses to “HE SHOOTS UP, HE SCORES”

  1. Too-clean Fred Says:

    Gimme a call, Adam. I need a partner and I’ve got some good ideas about how we can totally fuck up our lives!

  2. 45vinyljunkie Says:

    It’s too bad you don’t have any ambition for starring in your own reality-TV show, Adam. If you did, you could showcase your boring existence on TV and have millions of viewers. I mean, it’s worked for Nicole Richie, Paris Hilton, Tori Spelling, those who starred on MTV’s “The Real World,” and countless other people.

  3. Too-clean Fred Says:

    Dude hasn’t blogged in a few days. Bet he’s off on a hardcore crack binge, celebrating Joey Biden’s new gig. We can expect a book deal to follow.

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