I’M sorry, but animals shouldn’t be having more fun than I am.

Do our cats really need to cut loose and party? According to Friskies they do. The cat food company has introduced a line of Party Mix for kitties, with a tired slogan more appropriate for a kegger in the year 2000: “Get The Party Started!” The snacks are “made with so many enticing aromas, delicious flavors, tantalizing textures and colors for your cat to explore, it will be a party every day.” Yeah, our cats should be living more like Lindsay Lohan.

Even better, there are four fun flavors: “Original Crunch,” “Picnic Crunch,” “Beachside Crunch,” and “Mixed Grill Crunch” (I take it they’re crunchy.) Considering all four varieties are being introduced at the same time, what the hell do they mean by “Original Crunch” anyway? Seriously, this stuff looks more like the perfect munchie food for Mittens when she’s high on catnip.

Dogs, don’t feel left out: There’s idiotic stuff for you too. It’s bad enough that a company called Frosty Paws makes ice cream for dogs: “You’ll love them because they’re a convenient and healthy way to share the joy of ice cream with your four-legged friend.” Joy?!! Dogs are pretty satisfied just licking their junk. (And is it gross that my Stop & Shop sells Frosty Paws in the freezers alongside the ice cream for us bipeds?)

OK, whatever, I’ll give you doggy ice cream. But Frosty Paws sells a Paw-rty Kit (get it? Paw-rty!!!) that includes bandannas, balls, hats and invitations. Invitations? How lonely do you have to be to use a doggy ice cream party to get people to come over (and how pathetic do you have to be to go)?

Seriously, you really wanna throw your pets a party? The hell with the snack mix and the ice cream and the party favors. Give ’em what they really want: Just toss your cat a half-dead mouse or let the dog hump your leg a lot longer the next time. But please don’t invite me to attend.

Found a product that leaves you dumbstruck? Let me know at


One Response to “PARTY ANIMALS”

  1. Craig Giangiulio Says:

    Adam, all manufacturers of conspicuous consumer products need to run their product by you first — and approve the advertising.

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