Apparently our crackers have been doing a shitty job, with their slippery edges and their dip-repelling surfaces. Thanks to the magic of those Keebler little people, our national cracker nightmare is over.

Keebler’s Town House Toppers can “stand up to all your snacking needs…,” according to the box. Yes, we are a bunch of demanding snackers, aren’t we. “Serve spill-free snacks anywhere.” Crackers that defy gravity and can be eaten wherever we choose??!! So what makes these crackers so revolutionary, you ask? Umm, their edges are slightly raised.

But the back of the box would lead you to believe that a team of architectural and engineering geniuses designed these things. There’s everything but blueprints. The box touts the cracker’s “Ergonomic Construction,” its “Ultra-Durable Dip Structure” and its “Modified Grip-tight Texture.” Jesus Christ — it sounds like these things were designed better than New Orleans’ levees.

Moving from the crackers to the cheese: Here’s something, unlike a Topper, that I just can’t get a grip on:

The best of “Charles in Charge”? What, are these the episodes that the laugh track liked most? How can it be that “Chuckles Bites the Dust” isn’t available on DVD but these “classic episodes” are? And would a DVD of the nine worst episodes of “Charles In Charge” be that different an experience?

At the other end of the scale, here’s a product that just isn’t trying very hard to sell itself. It’s called Better Than Bouillon. Really, you’re telling me it’s even better than hot salty water that has a faint meaty aftertaste? Sounds good, but is it ergonomic?

Found a product that leaves you dumbstruck? Let me know at


2 Responses to “CRACKER IS WACK”

  1. 45vinyljunkie Says:

    “Charles in Charge” has a best-of DVD?!? That’s almost as perplexing as the “Best of Air Supply” CD I once saw in a record store. What surprises me about this is the fact that when “Charles in Charge” was on TV, it was aimed at viewers in their early teens or younger. Well, those people are now well into adulthood and probably couldn’t care less about this show. And those who are now in their early teens or younger couldn’t care less either. The end result? Look for this DVD in your Circuit City discount rack soon…if you really want it.

  2. 45vinyljunkie Says:

    P.S.: Since “Charles in Charge” has a best-of DVD, does this mean there is still hope for a compilation of some sort for “She’s the Sheriff”?

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