Archive for June, 2008

Forgettable you

Posted in The Popular with tags , , , , on June 30, 2008 by Adam Sapiro

SOME things from the ’90s just won’t go away, like Bill Clinton and Zima.

But what about the things that were hugely popular one minute and then forgotten the next? Like Live. I just saw a mid-’90s clip of the band performing and realized I had completely forgotten they ever existed.

Turns out there are a lot of once-inescapable things that haven’t even crossed my mind in like 10 years:

“The Single Guy” – Proved that people would watch even Ernest Borgnine between “Friends” and “Seinfeld.”

Jenny Jones – I vaguely remember her killing a guest on her talk show and going to court, but I may have that wrong.

4 Non Blondes – Made me regret having ears.

Dogme 95 – I once thought this was an interesting idea. Then I watched one of the movies.

EMF – Unbelievable they didn’t have more hits.

“The Hot Zone” – A moment of silence for all the people lost to the flesh-eating virus epidemic.

En Vogue – Not anymore, you aren’t.

Beatrice – All at once, this logo appeared on every food product in America, and no one ever knew why.

“Veronica’s Closet” – 25 million viewers tuned in each week just to confirm it still sucked.

Shamrock Shakes – Totally forgot about these. I never forgot the McRib, though.

Somalia – Don’t hear anything about it anymore, so I guess everything’s better there now.

The Mighty Mighty Bosstones – Popular during one of those fleeting ska-is-cool spells Americans fall under every decade or so.

Zork – For dorks. I know I played these games, but my memory’s been erased.

Anita Hill – Thankfully forgot about her, too. And whatever happened to that judge she worked for?

Ini Kamoze – He came, he hotstepped, and he was gone.

Bus hits as usual

Posted in The Popular with tags , , , , on June 27, 2008 by Adam Sapiro

Scriptwriting Tip #253

IF YOU want to shake up your storyline but don’t really have any idea how, bring on the bus. Just have one of your characters walk or run into the middle of a roadway and make some deep or ironic declaration while totally oblivious to oncoming traffic. Then whammo!

“Creative” “genius” J.J. Abrams is the master. This could be what caused Felicity‘s hair to fall out:

Can you guess this chick’s Final Destination?:

Lost, another J.J. Abrams show, does away with one of its 478 characters:

Here’s a Nip/Tuck Bus/Hit:

Even the British love a good bus hit (double-deckers can do some real damage). From Skins:

Yet another J.J. Abrams show. This time it’s Alias:

Betcha didn’t see that coming!

The most offended I’ve ever been this week

Posted in The Popular with tags , , , , on June 26, 2008 by Adam Sapiro

I AM sick of negative people who sit around trying 2 plot my downfall. Why???? I can understand if you don’t like me because I’m up my own butt most of the time, but this Dunkaroo thing is the worst insult I’ve ever had in my life. Before I had finished the cookies, all the vanilla frosting was gone. I’m typing so fucking hard I might break my fucking WebTV keyboard!!!!!!!!! I’M FUCKING HURT BY THIS ONE. IT KILLS ME THAT I WASN’T ABLE TO EAT THE DUNKAROOS THE WAY THEY WERE MEANT TO BE EATEN. CALL ME WHATEVER YOU WANT, BUT KNOW THAT I WOULD NEVER INTENTIONALLY EAT A DUNKAROO WITHOUT THE FROSTING. BETTY CROCKER IS OBVIOUSLY A FUCKING IDIOT. HAS ANYONE EVEN TAKEN THE TIME TO DO THE MATH??????????? THERE ARE AT LEAST 15 COOKIES IN A PACK BUT THERE’S ONLY ENOUGH FROSTING TO COVER ABOUT HALF OF THEM. YES, THE FUN-SHAPED CINNAMON GRAHAM COOKIES ARE TASTY BY THEMSELVES, AND THEY HAVE VITAMINS AND MINERALS TO MAKE ME STRONGER. BUT THEY’RE CALLED DUNKAROOS, SQUID BRAINS. THEY’RE SUPPOSED TO BE DUNKED!!!!!!!! ANYONE WHO’S EATEN THEM KNOWS WHY I WANTED TO EAT THEM PROPERLY. IT BROKE MY HEART THAT I WOUND UP DIPPING THEM IN SOME LEFTOVER JAM. I’M SORRY… SOMETIMES I GO 2 OR 3 HOURS WITHOUT EATING JUST SO I CAN REALLY ENJOY MY DUNKAROOS. I EVEN HAVE TO HIDE ICING ON MY KNEES BECAUSE IT HURTS WHEN THEY CONFISCATE MY DUNKAROOS AT THE AIRPORT… THIS IS THE MADDEST I WILL EVER BE… WAIT A MINUTE — THERE’S NO MORE DIPPING SAUCE FOR MY FUCKING MCNUGGETS?????????????????

So wrong, for now

Posted in The Truth with tags , , on June 25, 2008 by Adam Sapiro

Corrections

BECAUSE this website is all about telling the truth, I feel compelled to come clean. Since I started this blog one month ago, it has come to my attention that I have made many mistakes. So, in the spirit of full disclosure, I present this list of things I got wrong:

I called My Morning Jacket overrated, but I’m really digging their new CD.

Despite what I wrote, I love spending as much time as possible with all of my friends’ beautiful children (except for Alexa and Mitchell).

I mistakenly advised that blueberries can be used to remove grass stains. It’s the other way around.

The DVD pictured at right is not gay porn, as indicated in my review. In fact, the “F” stands for “fighting.”

There was a typo in the recipe for my Spice-Tastic Eleven-Layer Party Dip. The recipe actually calls for two cups of sour cream, not caulking compound.

Apparently the Vince Vaughn classic “Psycho” was a remake of an older movie that a bunch of people have told me is even better. I’d watch it if it weren’t in black and white.

I should have used a “spoiler alert” before revealing how and when the world will end.

Indiana Jones was alive in the latest movie, and not a relic unearthed by that “Boy Meets World” kid. I have updated my review.

And finally, I was wrong to ask readers to write my blog for me. I was kinda busy last week, so I figured a reader contest would give me a break. But only one person entered (and by default he wins the prize). I have since acquired five Chinese child slav—- er, interns, who will provide content for me when I’ve got better things to do.

I’ve made countless other mistakes since starting this blog, but I’ll stop right here. You know what they say — if your correction lasts longer than four hours…

Way under ‘The Wire’

Posted in The Popular with tags , , , on June 24, 2008 by Adam Sapiro

LIKE every other guy on the planet, I am obsessed with “The Wire.” The recently wrapped-up HBO show seems so real and honest, and its characters so lifelike, that it’s hard to believe that Baltimore might not be exactly like it’s depicted in the show.

To me, it’s the complete opposite of that other beloved cop show about Balmer, “Homicide: Life On The Street.” The 1993-99 NBC series, the precursor to “The Wire,” has been praised as one of the best television shows ever (Entertainment Weekly just ranked it among the Top 50 TV “classics” of the past 25 years), but damn, I find it a chore to sit through. Not that I haven’t tried. I’m still trying.

I watched it live when it debuted (the same year as the far-more-entertaining “NYPD Blue”), and stayed with it for a couple seasons before tuning out. Years later, I rewatched the first two seasons twice, figuring that I must have missed the genius that everyone else saw. I’m still working my way through the DVDs, drawn by the promise of David Simon, the co-creator of “The Wire” and the author of the book on which “Homicide” was based (and a producer in later seasons.)

But the show never seemed to live up to the talent involved (talent that included Barry Levinson as an executive producer). I found original cast member Ned Beatty completely miscast, Kyle Secor‘s “Det. Tim Bayliss” an endlessly inconsistent central character, the stylized jump cuts and handheld camerawork out of sync with the unconvincing story lines and dialog, and the performances unnatural (the cast tried way too hard to sound as if they were improvising, so most scenes play more like acting exercises).

And that includes Andre Braugher. I will never understand the ridiculous amount of praise he got for his portrayal of “Det. Frank Pembleton.” He’s overly intense and showy and blustery and actorly (in other words, he won an Emmy), so I never bought him as a real person. Four or five seasons in, after Braugher’s character suffered a stroke, the performance got even worse — his calculated stammering and stuttering took his look-at-me Acting to 11. “The Wire” has probably a hundred actors giving more authentic performances than Braugher’s.

Ironically, the most natural performer on “Homicide” was Richard Belzer, more a comedian than an actor when he took the role of “Det. John Munch.” By underplaying his part, he created a genuine and likable character that would appear on just about every other TV show since then. Including, apparently as his reward, “The Wire.”

Product Basement

Posted in The Popular with tags , , on June 23, 2008 by Adam Sapiro

THERE are marketing geniuses out there working hard to get us to buy crap we don’t need, right? Then why does it look like the people behind these products are trying to turn us off?

Take Kellogg’s new Wild Animal Crunch. What better way to start the morning than with a box of what appears to be: A) cereal made from endangered critters, B) slop that’s fed to them, or C) lumpy mounds of their feces. “Share your love for animals at the breakfast table.” Sorry, but who loves animals at the breakfast table? And should I be mixing cow’s milk with panda shit?

Speaking of shit, how would you market a crappy comedy to DVD viewers? Why, you’d treat them as if they were as dumb as the characters in the movie. The tagline for the film “Sharp as Marbles” helps explain the rather subtle title: “Marbles aren’t sharp … And neither are they!” Haaahaaaa! Wooooooo! So I guess they’re a lot like marbles because they aren’t very sharp! Good one!

Know who else isn’t very sharp? The folks behind Pringles Select. Has there ever been a more oxymoronic name for a product? The package promises “a Unique Taste Escape.” Huh? An escape from taste? But it gets worse.

The parmesan garlic version of this crap just might have the worst copy ever written for a product: “Like a Parmesan cheese wheel rolling through a garlic patch.” Mmm, I can already taste the dirt and smell the vomity odor. “Freshly grated Parmesan cheese and faint hints of garlic will have your stomach talking and your mouth watering.” Sounds like the end of many a drunken night in college. “And when you get a taste of this delicious flavor, your inability to speak will say it all.” Chips that render you mute? “The enticing zest will zing your taste buds with the kind of pleasure only a connoisseur can truly appreciate.” Yeah, because connoisseurs love dried potatoes with glyceryl monooleate and onion powder.

I’d go on, but I just ate one and I’m speechless.

Found a product that leaves you dumbstruck? Let me know at thismighthurtblog@gmail.com

The Over/Under

Posted in The Popular with tags , on June 20, 2008 by Adam Sapiro
  • Overrated: “24.” Underrated: “Eight Is Enough”
  • Overrated: Ne-Yo. Underrated: Yanni
  • Overrated: Tim Burton. Underrated: Bert and Ernie
  • Overrated: “Robot Chicken.” Underrated: robot dance.
  • Overrated: “Clerks.” Underrated: “Clerks II”
  • Overrated: “The Amazing Race.” Underrated: The Amazing Kreskin
  • Overrated: “Ghost World.” Underrated: Boo Berry
  • Overrated: “Deadwood.” Underrated: morning wood
  • Overrated: “Little Miss Sunshine.” Underrated: “Little Miss Can’t Be Wrong”