Archive for June, 2008

Forgettable you

Posted in The Popular with tags , , , , on June 30, 2008 by Adam Sapiro

SOME things from the ’90s just won’t go away, like Bill Clinton and Zima.

But what about the things that were hugely popular one minute and then forgotten the next? Like Live. I just saw a mid-’90s clip of the band performing and realized I had completely forgotten they ever existed.

Turns out there are a lot of once-inescapable things that haven’t even crossed my mind in like 10 years:

“The Single Guy” – Proved that people would watch even Ernest Borgnine between “Friends” and “Seinfeld.”

Jenny Jones – I vaguely remember her killing a guest on her talk show and going to court, but I may have that wrong.

4 Non Blondes – Made me regret having ears.

Dogme 95 – I once thought this was an interesting idea. Then I watched one of the movies.

EMF – Unbelievable they didn’t have more hits.

“The Hot Zone” – A moment of silence for all the people lost to the flesh-eating virus epidemic.

En Vogue – Not anymore, you aren’t.

Beatrice – All at once, this logo appeared on every food product in America, and no one ever knew why.

“Veronica’s Closet” – 25 million viewers tuned in each week just to confirm it still sucked.

Shamrock Shakes – Totally forgot about these. I never forgot the McRib, though.

Somalia – Don’t hear anything about it anymore, so I guess everything’s better there now.

The Mighty Mighty Bosstones – Popular during one of those fleeting ska-is-cool spells Americans fall under every decade or so.

Zork – For dorks. I know I played these games, but my memory’s been erased.

Anita Hill – Thankfully forgot about her, too. And whatever happened to that judge she worked for?

Ini Kamoze – He came, he hotstepped, and he was gone.

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Bus hits as usual

Posted in The Popular with tags , , , , on June 27, 2008 by Adam Sapiro

Scriptwriting Tip #253

IF YOU want to shake up your storyline but don’t really have any idea how, bring on the bus. Just have one of your characters walk or run into the middle of a roadway and make some deep or ironic declaration while totally oblivious to oncoming traffic. Then whammo!

“Creative” “genius” J.J. Abrams is the master. This could be what caused Felicity‘s hair to fall out:

Can you guess this chick’s Final Destination?:

Lost, another J.J. Abrams show, does away with one of its 478 characters:

Here’s a Nip/Tuck Bus/Hit:

Even the British love a good bus hit (double-deckers can do some real damage). From Skins:

Yet another J.J. Abrams show. This time it’s Alias:

Betcha didn’t see that coming!

The most offended I’ve ever been this week

Posted in The Popular with tags , , , , on June 26, 2008 by Adam Sapiro

I AM sick of negative people who sit around trying 2 plot my downfall. Why???? I can understand if you don’t like me because I’m up my own butt most of the time, but this Dunkaroo thing is the worst insult I’ve ever had in my life. Before I had finished the cookies, all the vanilla frosting was gone. I’m typing so fucking hard I might break my fucking WebTV keyboard!!!!!!!!! I’M FUCKING HURT BY THIS ONE. IT KILLS ME THAT I WASN’T ABLE TO EAT THE DUNKAROOS THE WAY THEY WERE MEANT TO BE EATEN. CALL ME WHATEVER YOU WANT, BUT KNOW THAT I WOULD NEVER INTENTIONALLY EAT A DUNKAROO WITHOUT THE FROSTING. BETTY CROCKER IS OBVIOUSLY A FUCKING IDIOT. HAS ANYONE EVEN TAKEN THE TIME TO DO THE MATH??????????? THERE ARE AT LEAST 15 COOKIES IN A PACK BUT THERE’S ONLY ENOUGH FROSTING TO COVER ABOUT HALF OF THEM. YES, THE FUN-SHAPED CINNAMON GRAHAM COOKIES ARE TASTY BY THEMSELVES, AND THEY HAVE VITAMINS AND MINERALS TO MAKE ME STRONGER. BUT THEY’RE CALLED DUNKAROOS, SQUID BRAINS. THEY’RE SUPPOSED TO BE DUNKED!!!!!!!! ANYONE WHO’S EATEN THEM KNOWS WHY I WANTED TO EAT THEM PROPERLY. IT BROKE MY HEART THAT I WOUND UP DIPPING THEM IN SOME LEFTOVER JAM. I’M SORRY… SOMETIMES I GO 2 OR 3 HOURS WITHOUT EATING JUST SO I CAN REALLY ENJOY MY DUNKAROOS. I EVEN HAVE TO HIDE ICING ON MY KNEES BECAUSE IT HURTS WHEN THEY CONFISCATE MY DUNKAROOS AT THE AIRPORT… THIS IS THE MADDEST I WILL EVER BE… WAIT A MINUTE — THERE’S NO MORE DIPPING SAUCE FOR MY FUCKING MCNUGGETS?????????????????

So wrong, for now

Posted in The Truth with tags , , on June 25, 2008 by Adam Sapiro

Corrections

BECAUSE this website is all about telling the truth, I feel compelled to come clean. Since I started this blog one month ago, it has come to my attention that I have made many mistakes. So, in the spirit of full disclosure, I present this list of things I got wrong:

I called My Morning Jacket overrated, but I’m really digging their new CD.

Despite what I wrote, I love spending as much time as possible with all of my friends’ beautiful children (except for Alexa and Mitchell).

I mistakenly advised that blueberries can be used to remove grass stains. It’s the other way around.

The DVD pictured at right is not gay porn, as indicated in my review. In fact, the “F” stands for “fighting.”

There was a typo in the recipe for my Spice-Tastic Eleven-Layer Party Dip. The recipe actually calls for two cups of sour cream, not caulking compound.

Apparently the Vince Vaughn classic “Psycho” was a remake of an older movie that a bunch of people have told me is even better. I’d watch it if it weren’t in black and white.

I should have used a “spoiler alert” before revealing how and when the world will end.

Indiana Jones was alive in the latest movie, and not a relic unearthed by that “Boy Meets World” kid. I have updated my review.

And finally, I was wrong to ask readers to write my blog for me. I was kinda busy last week, so I figured a reader contest would give me a break. But only one person entered (and by default he wins the prize). I have since acquired five Chinese child slav—- er, interns, who will provide content for me when I’ve got better things to do.

I’ve made countless other mistakes since starting this blog, but I’ll stop right here. You know what they say — if your correction lasts longer than four hours…